An accidental reactor leak in Los Angeles caused a minor explosion and spewed nuclear radiation into the soil. The dead ended up absorbing an a substantial amount and became re-animated. Aware and hungry, they roamed Los Angeles in search of human flesh. No one really noticed.
Ten years have passed and before it was finally brought to the attention of the President. Immediately seeing an environmental and social problem, he declared an outstanding clean-up initiative that would make Los Angeles the safe and clean state it once was. Unfortunately with the swearing-in of the new President in 2000, all action that was to be taken to clean up the state was dropped claiming that, “One Zombie infested State in fifty-six ain’t so bad. That’s only, like, 10 percent.”
The “Clean up Los Angeles” Initiative was abandoned and LA was ignored by the government faster than you can say ‘tsunami’. Zombies ended up having unfettered free reign of the State. The citizens of Los Angeles, although unhappy with current events, did as they have done for all recorded history: nothing really.
The Zombies were studied and it was learned that, if Vapor Cough Rub is placed under their noses, they are really no more a threat than the bored youth that hang out at the mall or a stray pitbull. Sure there is the possibility that they would run amok, but for the most part they kept to themselves. The human population utilized the Zombies to do menial chores such as sign holder or drug mule.
Things seemed to have worked themselves out. People were happy dumping their chores on Zombies. The State granted them special ‘green cards’ to live and work as citizens and life seemed to continue along merrily, until the unspeakable happened –
The first Zombie / Human marriage.
There was a fervent outcry and a self-appointed Moral Squad made up of the religious right, and Mothers Against Undead Dating (MAUD) protested against Los Angeles’s newly found sons and daughters, ready to destroy them at all costs. They are quickly counteracted against by the (Un)Human rights lobby, People for the Ethical treatment of Zombies (PEZ). Sure Zombies were fine to have work in your garden or walk your dog, but as soon as your daughter marries one, all hell breaks loose.
The President, under the pressure of a low approval rating, has implemented a new initiative to clean up LA the best way he knows how: An elite task force run by individuals dedicated to the capturing and destroying of said Zombies. This task force shall be known as SPAZ - the Special Patrol Against Zombies.
There are only a few minor snags. There is no interest from any of the USA elite corps of soldiers, police or special government agencies. They are busy doing what they do best: arresting criminals, fighting wars and preventing domestic terrorist attacks within a twenty-four hour time period.
Somewhere they have to find candidates to fill the position and act and look the part. The conclusion was clear, promoting individuals from security guard positions and placing adverts in local grocers around the country. But it’s all right, the life of a SPAZ officer is not as glamorous as one would think, they are the equivalent of glorified dog catchers, but instead of pit bulls who have gone amok, it’s the smelly undead.
Most cases of Zombie disturbance have been chalked up to the misdemeanour category: Zombies staring into windows, disrupting church socials, getting in the way of traffic, swarming schoolyards at recess, that sort of thing.
On the other hand, people have grown so accustomed to them, they think Zombies are less trouble than they really are and there is always some Darwin Award candidate willing to risk his or her life for some street cred or a bitchin’ clip for Tik Tok.
OFFICER ANNE CARLEY
She is the real deal. She was a cop with the right attitude, the right conviction and the right stuff. She’s memorized laws and by-laws. She can spot an infraction and a suspect a mile away. She knows when you are sleeping and she knows when you’re awake. You better watch out for this one, she will find you, that’s what she does, that’s all she does. Too bad her aim is for shit.
“Stop! < Blam > Sorry ma’am.”
OFFICER BILL FOLGERS
He’s your leading man type, your Ocean’s 11, man candy. He’s too good-looking to do demeaning tasks like cleaning up or paying for stuff. All the women love him and all the men want to be him. He is a charmer and a trooper. He hates to get his perfect hair messy with any Zombie action, so he sits back and shines his teeth again.
“Can you keep the Zombie away from the car please?”
OFFICER DAVE HANCOCK
He is best friends to Bill, and the brains of the two. He is mostly the used car salesman personality with a touch of the Sam Rockwell Used-car salesman looks. He’s got the connections and the heartaches. He tries to keep his buddy out of trouble, but he usually gets them both in deeper.
“Look I understand unskilled labor is an integral part of your business. Have you tried Zombies? I know a guy.”
OFFICER MIKE RENATA
Born a little person, but has the heart of a person twice his size. Currently an insurance salesman, but wants to be a part of, and pardon the pun, something bigger. He quit his job to become just that. He is full of optimism, verve and determination.
“I may be small, but I can still kick your ass.”
OFFICER LUPE RODRIQUEZ
She’s a mysterious lesbian with a hidden past. She is tougher than most men but has a soft spot for high-end motorcycles, assault weapons and ‘Sex in the City’. She can field strip an AK47 faster than you can name off five Mellissa Etheridge hits. If at all possible, she avoids the Y chromosome like it was the Asian bird flu. Don’t mess with her either, she’ll bite off your head and wear it pierced somewhere on her body.
“Don’t make me make you bleed six different colors.”
OFFICER BRUCE MACNALLY
A below average looking guy who was happy to join the force for one reason and one reason only: uniforms get the chicks. He can be frequently seen trying to impress some young vixen or a group of Catholic high school girls. He is quick to light your smoke or to embellish a tale, but when the chips are down, he is not one you can depend on.
“Zombie infestation in a sorority house - alright!”
OFFICER CECIL HOUSMAN
This African American is the perfect physical specimen of manhood that’s a temple to himself and God. He believes in both spiritual and legal justice. He will lecture you on both jaywalking and church-going. He won’t put anything that could be considered toxic into his mind or his body, but he will remind you that you certainly are disappointing the almighty.
“These Zombies and glazed donuts are an abomination to God.”
OFFICER LEROY SPACKLEMAN
Once a security guard, Leroy is physically obese and only exercises his mouth. If he thinks there is an injustice in the world he definitely has an opinion about it. A good guy with a good attitude, but is constantly getting into arguments with his partner. His need to be correct supercedes his need to do his job correctly and will sometimes forget the big picture for the sake of being right.
“I’m not for or against Zombies, but I do have a point.”
OFFICER LESLIE JENSEN
As friendly as friendly can be. If there’s a birthday, she brings the cake. If there’s a call for rain, she’ll bring cookies. Her arts and crafts are her favorite hobby outside talking about her several cats. She has a lot of hobbies and things on-the-go that work sometimes gets in the way. Anyone would vote her as the ‘most chipper’ simply because she dots her ‘I’s with little hearts. She is obviously going to crack one day and take everyone out.
“Wait, you didn’t get cake, I’ll knit you a sweater instead.”
Due to a lack of Zombie/Human relations in LA, the governor has implemented an affirmative action initiative called “No Zombie Left Behind” and they’ve brought a Zombie onto the police force in order to keep the peace.
CHIEF JULIUS LANDAU
He’s so close to retiring he can taste it. His desk is littered with travel brochures and time-share pamphlets. He wears a Hawaiian shirt to work and has stopped caring about his job about fifteen years ago and his marriage twenty years ago. If he paid as much attention to his job as he did the sports sections during his morning bathroom break, he’d be a half decent leader to the force.
“You know, there are no damn Zombies in Florida.”
“These men and women may not be up to standard in yours or my book, and yes, they lack the basic motor skills to pick their own noses, much less control an unimaginable epidemic of biblical proportions. But at the end of the day, when all the smoke clears and the few heads that are left are counted. It’s only these precious nine determined individuals who actually applied.”
ADAM CARDINAL - SPECIAL LIAISON TO THE GOVERNOR
He wants to become a Governor of LA one day and will do anything illegal or immoral to get there. Because of that, he is forced by the current Governor to head up the New Zombie initiative He is taking backing this opportunity to embarrass the Governor.
“Did it work? Uh, yes, that was indeed my idea.”
He’s Cardinal’s right hand man. He wants to see justice and good come out of the world, but thinks it can be done best by kissing the butt of the guy who could promote him out of there.
“Yes, sir, I’ll get on that special secret task right away. Oh, before I forget, did you want your special secret task with cream or milk?”
She sits in dispatch and has the unemotional and dry voice of a woman that has seen better days. Previously a clerk at the DMV, there is now nothing that can phase Suzy.
DR. SIMON SIMON - RESEARCH AND DEVELOPMENT
He continually is trying to find new and improved ways to bring down the Zombie population with devices and chemical warfare that really shouldn’t affect humans, and look awesomely cool when deployed.
THE DREAM TEAM
A private Zombie Exterminator Company that employs actual people who know what they are doing.
“You could check to see if there is a Zombie up your but.”
PEOPLE FOR THE ETHICAL TREATMENT OF ZOMBIES (PEZ)
We live in a society where all life is sacred. Whether it’s a magnificent redwood, the whales off the coast of Newfoundland, or decomposing re-animated corpses that could be potentially dangerous. No one species should have dominion over another, and PEZ believes that Zombies have just and much right to live and exist as any humans do. They want complete integration not segregation and will do anything to achieve it.
THE MORAL SQUAD
Made up of Mothers Against Dead Dating and the Religious Right, this organization thinks that Zombies are an abomination to God and mankind and should be destroyed at all costs.
THE BLACK PLAGUE
He is the supervillain that is planning to utilize Zombies to take over the world. Unknown to everyone, he is looking for ways to manipulate and control the Zombie population to do his bidding.